If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
I wont touch it. I promise i wont touch it. JUST GET UNDER THE DAMN TABLE PLEASE.
I was excited because I thought I didn't have to tell you about the crabs, but surprise! You got em!
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Well last time he got out of rehab he lasted 6 hours. So 3 days this time is quite an accomplishment.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize
