Anderson Cooper interviews Obama. It's like CNN is teasing and broadcasting my dream 3 way.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
We watched X-Files, ate pizza, and he played with my butt. It was a pretty standard Monday.
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
