How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's all coming back to me. I drank moonshine from a milk carton from a guy named tomohawk last night.
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Just threw up in the shower. Hangovers at 23 are the best.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
I have to lie to someone and move five gallons of fermenting alcohol across campus but after that i'll hit you up 4 sho
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
