I just found 'pokemon orgy' in my search history
Pretty sure she's used to bigger guys. She kept slipping off while on top. like, constantly
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.
Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How could you not respond to a text containing the words "goat man" ?!?
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
Randomize
