I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Those nachos came to me in a dream
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Your dad was just slow dancing with the priest and holding a beer. Classic
I watched one of the videos of you hanging from the rafters, and it is both violent and sexual in nature.
Randomize
