I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I admire the strength of friendship we have that allows for sharing husbands.
im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
You never know true fear until you're on your period in a house full of white furniture.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
Apparently karate chopping the fronts off all the paper towel and soap dispensers in the bathrooms isn't even frowned upon. Like even at the third bar when I fell flat on my back trying to jump kick the last one some guy just helped me up and high fived me. America.
Also while I’m drunk I saw your penis in like 4th grade when I walked past the boys bathroom
Dude no i feel my liver disintegrating
Randomize
