Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
Shit ive learned: when going out to a party, always wear a bathing suit underneath just in case theres a pool with a roof next to it
He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.
Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
I'm allotting you four buildings to piss on tonight. Choose wisely.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
Randomize
