He's marrying her, which means that she is his most important person in the world, so you gotta deal with it...okay?
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
someone just "made it rain" kraft processed sliced cheese. i forgot what it was like to be home...
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
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