my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook
you can....by speaking....
I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
fucked a girl in Bentley hall at ten tonight, came on the carpet and I plan on doing it in another building soon. Watch where you walk
Your loyalty to the Redskins reminds me how no matter how much I disappoint you, you will still always be rooting for me.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
