Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Would "deck the halls with penises " be an appropriate event title? I know peni is the plural but flow of the tongue as well
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
You literally chaperoned my booty call.
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
