Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Nicole vs. Life
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm disproportionately drunk. But I also spelled disproportionately right twice so maybe I'm not that drunk
Randomize
