I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.
you should get a family discount.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
and i do believe that will be the last time you send me a photograph of our mother in her underwear.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Shame - the story of my life.
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