Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter
Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"
I've realized that you're the only friend i can rely on to drink with me any given day. i thank you for that.
You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
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