tailgaiting my last final, a perfect sendoff.
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Yeah. I got a Tetnus shot then partied like it was 1999.
I guess we coulda said a little less mature audience and a little more e for everyone.
Randomize
