he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
I want Jason Statham to talk British to my vagina.
Literally he has the smallest penis I've ever felt since 8th grade.
hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube
my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Yeah, we agreed, but I feel like I need at least one more ride on the bonecoaster
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
I did cocaine with my cab driver all night. It was the best date.
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
He said it was the classiest hand job he ever had because my nails were painted red. We need to go to nicer bars from now on.
Randomize
