I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
i stapled my math hw together with an ear ring, too ghetto?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i carry sandwiches in my pockets more than any normal person should
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
I just dropped off shoes at Mike's hotel. The chick he hooked up with last night stole his phone and shoes.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Im part way to drunk.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Randomize
