i can juggle bunnies
cool
on fire
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
I don't give a fuck that he's gay and keeps hitting on me. Free cocaine is free cocaine bro
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
