I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations
Best oral ever, hands down so to speak. but I'm starting to want to meet that lesbian truck driver he says he's better than. Just for comparison purposes of course.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
We started a fund for a baby in a wine glass, I think we're pretty responsible.
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Randomize
