So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I really need to create fewer "the time I was on drugs" stories for my future memoir, "my first year in San Francisco".
good luck with that
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
Brb crying the tears of my youth
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
Randomize
