I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
My vagina loves me do-dah do-dah my vagina loves me do-dah do-dah
I picture you throwing your vagina around in the same fashion that they pass out candy at a parade.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
Does the room smell any better?
Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
We will walk in fields of dick.
You seriously need to stop quoting those songs when i'm with my parents.
i don't know how to react to you in a diaper crying and calling a football 'sadie'.
she was just meowing in the corner eating frozen chicken nuggets
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
