it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Dude, you were so drunk last night that when we went into subway, you forgot the word for bread.
he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.
Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems
i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
There comes a time where you just have to sit back and watch the drunken idiots pee on each other
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
Using a joint as a bookmark. What is my life?
I was like can I please fuck your hips back into realignment
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
Randomize
