Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.
Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
My neighbor Chris is here. I am warning you, he is wearing a kilt I just saw his balls. Be incredibly careful that you don't see what I did.
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
MAGGIE IS ON MY COUCH PETTING AN HONEST TO CHRIST ARMADILLO AND SOBBING INTO HOT CHOCHOLATE. WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO TO HER.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Yeahh. im on the phone with him drunk. he told me he found a pigeon in a cardboard box and named it quincy...
His birthday is on cinco de mayo and he doesn’t drink or like tacos. What a waste.
Her dad had just brought down their giant American flag for 4th of July and we fucked on it. I have never been more patriotic
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
