When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining
they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????
Fuck, now I'm not only the other woman, but the pregnant one
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
S.O.S. he's talking about horses and breast feeding.
I may have played more drinking games with my family this last week than all of freshman year...
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I went to McDonald's this morning still half drunk with penises drawn all over my body, when my card was declined the cashier asked if I needed Jesus
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
There's even glitter on my cock...
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