I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I guess I just don't understand how the two main issues with your ex involve a cock ring and a Christmas tree
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
A guy just threw up in my lecture of 500 ppl and just got up and walked away
Randomize
