that's fine. btw we still need $500 for the donkey...
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
I woke up this morning and the lid to the back of my toilet was missing. Dahfaq do I do with this shit?
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
At one point in the night, as we were running from the cops, I clearly remember you yelling "little gnomes are tickling the insides of my body!" ...that high.
Randomize
