I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)
WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE
found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
So the bartender tried kicking me out but i screamed im an RA you cant kick me out
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
I think now I understand why people say my penis is pretty.
My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
She said she was sober from drugs for a week. All I heard was Kenny Loggins singing Danger Zone.
Randomize
