You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I swear this guy grew up in land without leagues. someone should inform him he's way out of mine
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Found the puke drawer
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Package arrived for me from the gf while she's on vacation..under the bed bondage kit and new lingerie...my boner could drive to the airport
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
