...i apologize for hitting you up so much tonight im just kinda in a little pickle. im going to sleep in my car near u so pretty plz lmk if you head home...
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Dude they are all farmers and I'm pretty sure there's a prostitute here.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Will it make you feel better if we wear the title of dysfunctional fucking roommates? It requires monogamy unless we want to bang someone together.
i've created a new STD.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
What exactly is it about Doctor Who thigh high socks with a matching shirt that says "take me I'm yours!"
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
