My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
I look like a poor person in the cast of Gay Oliver.
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
He stole one of my good bras again. If I'm not getting laid I'm not putting with this shit. Also it's a walk of shame for you today, my car is suicidal again.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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