If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Do they sell "congrats in losing your virginity!" cards and do they come in gay?
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
Guy fieri is speaking only to me. We make eye contact. My whole body is vibrating. My head is purring. I am literally marbles.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Oh don't mind my cushion, I got plowed in the ass by a freight train last night
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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