Omg Kevin Jonas is engaged!!!!!!
Omg really? To who. Gay marriage is only legal in like 3 states.
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
nobody understood you. You kept speaking french and hiding shit in your boobs
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
i had a long naked conversation with the cop on why is everything fun illegal
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
I still hate everything and everyone around me. Krampus taught me nothing.
Is a coke binge Whole30 approved?
Randomize
