Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
Life lesson today, a six foot hot guy I meet at a party CANNOT fit on my bike with me.
so... the fat chick just walked over, shook my hand, then introduced herself as "versatile". shoot me now.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
I'm driving up the street and can't tell if my ears are actually about to pop or not.
A solid 8.5 on the baked meter, I need to stop.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
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