Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
It went alright, nothing too special, just got threatened with a knife by our server.
knew it was a bad idea. the look she gave me when i left her roommates bedroom in the morning really illustrated that.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She is sending me pics of her sex faces...which totally counts as sexting in my book
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
We're now referring to our nightly Skype time as "strokes of genius." Long distance sucks.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
Randomize
