just threw up into the cup of Gatorade I was hoping would settle my stomach. thanks again, alcohol.
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
the night probably should have been over when the guy let her fill out my mechanical bull waver for me because i couldn't read
He was spooning with the dog when I came home. Now shes afriad to go near him. Should I ask?
Don't worry, I could have been accepted their by waving my dick at the admissions building.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
Also, I have your check. Also, still wanna drop acid?
Masturbating during the Olympics and cumming during the national anthem really is everything it's cracked up to be. Just thought you should know.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
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