i can't, i'm blowing bubbles in class and getting credit for it
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Step 1 was make out with him. so now we just need to come up with step 2.
Randomize
