Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
the "its better than getting an actual virus from an actual porn star" argument failed.
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just retrieve me from the bathroom floor when you're done
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
I'm literally naked with a whole pizza in my lap sitting in my chair.
Is it normal for a guy to send you a dick pic along with “He misses you”
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
Randomize
