is your mom at the bar?
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
We have to have sex while I'm dressed as a tiger. It's one of my life goals
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
Randomize
