i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
he's dressed up as spiderman, i don't understand why he's crying.
I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.
I mean, we do coke and have sex occasionally...I wouldn't call that a relationship.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
Peanut butter and whiskey is not a dinner
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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