Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
First if all, whoever designed penis shaped ice cubes is clearly daring me to shove them up my vagina
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I THINK HE DOES. OMG!!!!! OMG I FUCKED A GUY W A FAKE LEG AND I DIDN'T EVEN KNOW!!!!!!????!!!!!!!!!
Randomize
