Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj
I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.
What should I wear?
Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar
I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I know it was your bday but bringing a airhorn and blowing it yelling "buy me a fucking shot" in the bartenders face was a little uncalled for
Adulthood is making your own puke bucket.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
