Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
He told me the escort brought him pizza. Can something be sad and awesome at the same time ?
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
I'm currently braless eating the balls of the penis cake and drinking warm champagne. I'm 3 cats away from crazy at this point
I accidentally walked in the wrong house but I somehow left with a chicken leg. Good fucking night.
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I think we can say happy hour is successful when you have frosting and southern comfort in your hair.
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Randomize
