I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
I swear 95% of pictures on my phone are from drunken nights I don't remember with me doing a peace sign alone in somebody's bedroom.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
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