The next morning she woke up and asked who I was and where she was.
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.
What the fuck, why would you ever do that?
Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
