pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I just held a marble with my kegel muscles for 5 min. You may call me COCKCLAMP 9000!!!!
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When I went to pick up Adam from the train station, I found him passed out, covered in gold paint and wrapped in a red blanket. someone had glued a gaudy green rhinestone to his forehead. He looked homeless.
okay i know we havent talked for like weeks but i just really wanted to tell you that i miss your dick. like alot.
whose this? and thank you
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