She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's been two whole weeks and I haven't missed a single class. I deserve 69 blunts.
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
