you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
no jill really. Evrything around me is talking to me. The plant, my dog, the tv,the lamp. Its amazing.
Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob
I made out with all three roommates...I didnt realize that was actually an awkward situation.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
He ripped off his socks and ran around the basement barefoot. His feet turned black. Then he chugged Parmesan cheese. He chugged dry cheese dude.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
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