I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Should have told me the night we were talking about deal breakers that vomming outside your car was one of them. I would have taken a cab back
Breathalizer & tazer party did not go as casually as expected.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
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