I tried to use my car keys to open my door
I just started a sentence with yellow.
yay america 4th of july drinking game. take a drink every time you hear or see a firework, finish your drink for a mention of mj or the gosselins, a shot for the words democracy,hope, freedom, terrorism
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
Like there's an 87% chance I'll end up on the bedroom floor demanding sex while freestyling in your face. I'm going to buy rum.
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
Lesson learnt. Sex toy cleaning spray is not an acceptable substitute to clean your glasses with.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
i spent most of last night convincing myself that dan akroyd wasn't actually standing in my bathroom holding a dead chicken
You made noises. And kept meowing. I have a twenty minute phone call to prove it.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
