I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
I never thought that I'd hear someone utter the words, "I need another studded belt." I was wrong.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
um, yes. it's my birthday, of course there will be acid.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
I DONT KNOW HOW I'M NOT DEAD, JESUS CHRIST ON A DOUBLE DECKER FUCKING KEANU REEVES BUS
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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