I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
This shit I'm taking feels like I've eaten every burrito in the world and chased that with an aquarium of hot sauce.
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
This is exactly why you shouldn't bang your bartender. Although the awkward free shots are a plus.
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
